Thinking

I haven’t written anything philosophical or in any way deep in thought in so long I Donn’t even recall the last thing I wrote that came from within me. I have felt so dry for so long, my spirit is feeling parched and dry. I feel like I’m not even the same person I was when I first started this blog. From personal mistakes made in various relationships over the last 4 years, to selfish decisions that affected my family either financially or emotionally, I feel like I have lost touch with the person I once was. And it is nobody’s fault but mine. I have lost sight of the things that drive me. Those things that drive me as an individual. TI’ve lost what it means to love other people in a true way.

For so long I have been so focused on making sure that ends meet and bills are paid, that I have felt absolutely zapped of any remaining energy that might be left at the end of each day to contribute to helping and serving those around me who truly need it. Whether that be my immediate family including my wife, or even just simply reaching out randomly and helping those I encounter who truly need on either a physical or spiritual level.

I have lost touch with the side of me that longed to serve others selflessly.

At one point in time, I was easily moved by the sight of a person who needed even something basic, like food or a new jacket, that I would go and intentionally buy things with the intent of giving them away. I’m not tooting my own horn. There were certainly times where I felt it would be more convenient to just keep driving than to stop and take time out of my own schedule to do something for someone that may not even appreciate what was happening. But it was still in my heart to feel for those people and to truly love them from a point of view that saw those people as individual souls in need of saving, even if on a small level.

I haven’t been that person for several years now. Time out of my day has been sucked up with work, tasks around the house, or simply being available for my wife and kids, who I love deeply and would give all of my time and energy for. But I somehow lost sight of that love for those around me. And I think it can be pinpointed to my failure to seek God in all that I do. I have always thought of myself as being faithful, even if I did at times doubt God’s ability to rectify a situation the way I thought it should be rectified. Too many times of seeing things fall apart that I thought were from God, and rather than accepting that maybe His will was better and more informed than mine, questioned His love for me and, ultimately, His ability to provide for me. A long series of events over the course of 2016-2017 involving Job changes and missteps in choosing the right path for my family has inevitably lead me down a path farther from Him, rather than chasing what He has in store for my family.

I think, though, that God is trying to win me back. Something that happened yesterday that I failed to even recognize as a blessing from God, caught my attention by way of my own ignorance, and the fervent faithfulness of my wife, who refuses to give up on chasing God, even if I have without meaning to. Kayla and I had been talking about this wood working hobby of mine, and the fact that I haven’t felt motivated to keep up the momentum required in gaining attention to it via social media due to the drop off in outside interest displayed by other people since mid-May. It’s been a dry couple of months on that front, and I have sort of put it on the back burner due to the lack of interest of others in what I am offering. On top of that, we have been seeking what the best course of action would be in regards to our finances with planning on purchasing a house, since we only have a menial savings built up, not nearly enough for a down payment. Well, out of nowhere yesterday, I received an order on Etsy for 9 of the same item, totaling $315. I was just excited by the prospect of getting the order and making the money. It only briefly occurred to me that this was something from God, trying to get my attention.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this post, except to say that I don’t like the cold way that my heart has been towards others for so long, and I want it to change. I know that God is doing something behind the scenes in my life to get my attention, and I welcome it. Whatever it might be. I am ready for a change in my heart. For my wife’s sake, for my kids’s sake, for my sake. And for the sake of anyone I encounter who is in need that I can somehow be a blessing to. I want to get back to that attitude of servitude.

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